Forcing the mood

I am not a faker.
I have never (honestly--EVER) faked an orgasm.
Sure, I've thought about it...but, why reward bad behavior?
Okay...bad preformance then--whatever.
I do however fake chat.
"Oh! Hiiiii! Yes I would Loooove to hear about the boring thing you are going to tell me about anyway!"

And when I am in a bad mood, I try (try) to fake a good mood.
Fake it until you feel it.
Sometimes it works.
This week it hasn't.

I was talking to a girlfriend last night about it, and my husband's apparent lack of concern for my (well earned) melancholy of late.
"It's like every other broken thing in this house...if he ignors it long enough he knows that eventually I'll fix it myself."
And she said-
"dosen't that piss you off?"
Yeah. Kinda.
But getting mad isn't going to make a difference anyway.
He's not going to say suddenly-
"Wow! the woman I love more than anything in the world is mad that I don't care about her being unhappy! I think I will take her into my arms and tell her that I understand that she is exhausted and that she has worked so hard for many many years holding our world together with little to no help from me, and she has done a wonderful job and I am proud and appreciate her. She's wonderful! I need to hold her until she cries our the last of the frustrated tears and feels better."

Yeah.
Not gonna happen.

And I know that.

And if he read this, he would say
"Yeah...I think all of that. Do you want a hug?"
AND he would mean it.

And he would say
"Sweetie, if you already know how much I love and appreciate you and all the hard work you do and have done, why do you need me to tell you again?"

Sometimes I wonder why I married an Alpha male.
Then I remember the fantastic sex.

And that almost (almost) cheers me up.


But Nooooooo, I have to cheer myself up.
And not by actually changing my situation any, by choosing again not to let it determine my mood.
Sure, he's never home.
And we rarely get to sleep together.
And the kids get to spend less time with him than I do.
And I never get any help around the house.
And I miss him more than should be possible since we live in the same house and see each other every day.


I've given him my all.
Every thing.
The goodie bad is empty.
The pinata has been smashed, and all that's left is the ass end of a tissue paper donkey.

And what really pisses me off, is that in spite of everything.....I have no cards to play.
Silent treatment?
No way--I want need someone to talk to...and he's my favorite person.
Withhold afection?
Uhhh...noooo...I need a hug (and a good deep...)
Stop doing all the housewifey things?
Well, if he noticed (which would likely take a loooooong time) he wouldn't say anything. And eventually I would just have to dig back out of the mess. Fun.

Nope.
He knows that eventually I'll get tired of being unhappy and decide to cheer up.

And I will.
Maybe tomorrow.